


In the Midst of Desperation

by little_rat_bastard



Category: Transformers - All Media Types, Transformers: Prime
Genre: Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, Its pretty angsty ngl, M/M, Secret Relationship, Starscream being a little bitch, and frustrated, but..its a bit tumultuous right now lads.., can't stop won't stop, he needs more days off, if this were a LONGER fic they would have a happy ending, knock out is also a little bitch, mentions of abuse, optimus being oblivious as ever, plot twist there is a new chapter, ratchet has the patience of a saint, ratchet is a therapist, star crossed lovers, this is pure angst but rest assured
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/little_rat_bastard/pseuds/little_rat_bastard
Summary: Optimus looked up in horror as a stray blastershot pierced through Starscream’s wing, causing him to come careening down. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, as all Optimus could do was watch as his lover transformed midair back to root mode and crashed into the forest up ahead.“Primus… he’s falling,” whispered Optimus to himself as he tried to stay calm about what he was witnessing and get a grip on himself.“Come on Starscream… get up! Please, Primus…Starscream, get up!”
Relationships: Optimus Prime/Starscream
Comments: 26
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

Optimus could barely think or hear over the deafening bangs and shrill screams that pierced the air. With so much dust being kicked up it was hard to see who was who on the battlefield.

“You sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t you Optimus?” Ratchet yelled over the explosions and gunfire.

Optimus turned to look at Ratchet who scrambled for cover as multiple drones advanced upon them.

“That doesn’t matter now, Ratchet. Our only goal is to defend the mine and ensure Megatron doesn’t get his servos on it,” Optimus shouted as he whipped out his gun to take out two drones running towards them.

“Easier said than done Optimus!” Arcee manages to spit out as she sends Black Arachnia flying.

Optimus whipped his head around the battlefield assessing the situation at hand. A feeling of unease tingled up his spinal strut, as he sensed someone’s optics on him. Glancing upward he froze, meeting Megatron’s gaze as the warlord started toward the mine’s entrance. Looking at Ratchet, he sent his friend a curt nod and proceeded to shout orders over the comm link.

“Bumblebee and Smokescreen! Circle around and take out the vehicons up top along with Soundwave in the back.” Optimus shouted over the noise.

“Roger that, Optimus,” Smokescreen said, with Bumblebee beeping in acknowledgment.

Optimus turns to Wheeljack and Bulkhead fighting close by, “You two focus on Breakdown and Shockwave. They are flanking Megatron to the right of the mine. I do not know what they are planning, but you will put a stop to it.”

“Sounds good to me!” Wheeljack says back as he dents the helm of another vehicon and cracks his knuckles. “Been itchin’ to kick some REAL Con tailpipe.”

Optimus nods in his direction before directing his attention to Arcee. “Arcee, I need you to sneak up top and fire at anyone who poses a threat to our positions,” Optimus says while pulling Ratchet to his feet.

“What about you and Ratchet?” Bulkhead yells over the gunfire.

Optimus glances at the mine entrance briefly before putting his finger to his comm “We’re going after Megatron,” Optimus rumbles.

“Optimus, are you sure about this?” Bulkhead askes with a tinge of worry in his voice.

“This is the only way Bulkhead, and we’ve only got one shot. We cannot allow the Decepticons to gain access to this mine. If they gain many more advantages over us, I fear they will be capable of launching an attack that we cannot recover from.” Optimus says before disengaging his comm. Turning towards Ratchet, Optimus asks, “Are you ready?”

Ratchet looks at him with exasperation “There isn’t much of a choice, is there? I’m ready as I can be.”

Optimus smiles faintly before breaking off into a sprint towards the mine. As Optimus draws closer to Megatron he realizes that this entire time, Starscream has been missing. Panic starts to rise in his tank before he quickly squashes it down again. With Megatron just up ahead, this was no time to be distracted. Worried thoughts continued to race through Optimus’s mind anyway though, as he drew closer and closer to Megatron. It was strange for Starscream to not be at Megatron’s side. Optimus felt the pit that had settled in his tank grow, as the bad feeling he had about this whole situation intensified.

Right as he and Ratchet reached the entrance, a shrill whine followed by a loud bang causes Optimus to set his sights skyward. It looked like Starscream was here after all, providing air support to keep the Autobots at bay, while Megatron made his way to the mine. Optimus looked up in horror as a stray blastershot pierced through Starscream’s wing, causing him to come careening down. Time seemed to slow to a crawl, as all Optimus could do was watch as his lover transformed midair back to root mode and crashed into the forest up ahead.

“Primus… he’s falling,” whispered Optimus to himself as he tried to stay calm about what he was witnessing and get a grip on himself. “Come on Starscream… get up! Please, Primus…Starscream, _get up_!” was all Optimus could say to himself, optics unable to look away from the site of his lover’s crash.

He hardly registered it, as Ratchet continued to call out his name, warning him that their window to strike was drawing to a close with each passing moment. Optimus made a move towards the forest before catching himself, but that was all it took for Ratchet to figure it out.

Ratchet’s eyes widened as he finally put together the pieces of the puzzle. From the prolonged periods of time where Optimus would disappear, to the random scratches that would show up on his back when he went on these “solo recon missions”, to the way he seemed to pull his punches or simply avoid Starscream on the battlefield all together. But most importantly, Ratchet caught it in the way his friend _looked_ at the Decepticon SIC. Those optics were not for a hated enemy, or even a respected opponent.

Optimus was in love. It explained everything, and why he had been acting this way for so long.

Ratchet closed his eyes and pulled himself together. There will be a time and place to discuss this with Optimus privately, but right now he had to make a choice. Ratchet drew in a deep breath before looking at Optimus and waited for him to turn around.

Optimus froze as he remembered he was still with Ratchet, they were still on a mission. Slowly, he faced the medic and prayed to Primus that Ratchet hadn’t noticed his rather obvious behavior, but with a single glance, he realized with a sinking feeling that his friend had deduced everything.

Their optics met and time seemed to slow down again for Optimus, but this time for a different reason altogether.

They stayed like that for what felt like years until a distress call was heard from both of their comms. It was Bulkhead in a panicked state, calling for backup. It looked like there were more vehicon troops, and Breakdown was proving to be a problem.

Ratchet shuttered his own optics before meeting Optimus’s again, and gave a minuscule nod.

Ratchet turned around and proceeded to tell Bulkhead that he is on his way back, and that Optimus would be meeting them later. Optimus took a deep breath before turning the other way and sprinting towards the forest to where Starscream had fallen.

“Thank you Ratchet.. my dearest friend,” Optimus said hoarsely to himself as he transformed into his alt mode and prayed that his lover was okay.

As he neared the clearing Optimus began to slow down and transformed, looking around wildly for any sign of where Starscream might be.

“Star? Starscream, where are you?” Optimus calls out before pausing briefly. Cocking his head to one side, he starts to hear muffled shrieking up ahead.

Advancing cautiously towards the source of the noise, Optimus pulls back some branches to see a very angry Starscream clutching his damaged, leaking wing. Not noticing Optimus yet, Starscream continued to swear profusely, making good use of every Cybertronian and Human dialect he knew. Optimus rushes towards Starscream, and kneels down to check his wound and to see if he’s hurt anywhere else.

“Star!? Primus, Star, are you alright?” Optimus asks worriedly, as he leans protectively over the injured seeker.

Starscream pauses abruptly from his cursing and glares at Optimus. “What does it look like? Do I _look_ alright to you?” Starscream snarks back.

Optimus opens his mouth but no words come out. Looking defeated, he responds, “I… alright, fair answer.”

Optimus continues to hover uselessly, not knowing how to help Starscream, before saying, “We have to get that wing of yours checked out."

Starscream averts his optics from Optimus, and shifts away from him before curtly replying, “I’ll be fine.”

Optimus’s expression becomes upset before reaching over to brush his servo against Starscream’s face, “No, you won’t.” In a moment of hopeful desperation, he continues, almost pleading, “I can bring you to Ratchet. He can patch you back up.”

Starscream’s gaze remained down, not meeting Optimus’s eyes, and said “That won’t be necessary. We have Knockout, and I’ll be fine with him.”

Optimus straightens his back before saying incredulously, “Knockout? The one who’s been blackmailing you?” Starscream sighs loudly and rests his head back on the tree that he had propped himself up against.

“Please just leave me alone Optimus, someone might see us together.” Optimus leans forward again and shuffles closer to Starscream.

“That wouldn’t be an issue if you would come back with me. Join us…join the Autobots.” Optimus murmurs as he leans in closer.

Starscream places a servo on his chest plates and pushes Optimus away gently, avoiding looking at him directly.

“No. I can’t. My place is with the Decepticons…with Megatron.” Starscream says tiredly.

Optimus’s eyebrows furrow at Starscream’s statement and proceeds to question him, “With the Decepticons? With _Megatron_? The same mechs who would sacrifice you in a heartbeat? The one who mistreats you and abuses you constantly?” Optimus asks, almost sounding angry.

Starscream pulls away from Optimus as if he’d been burned, “You wouldn’t understand! This isn’t something that can be easily explained!” He chokes out.

Optimus follows Starscream’s movements while keeping a respectful distance, “Then tell me! Make me understand! You know I’m here for you… please, love,” Optimus starts to plead.

Starscream shakily stands up while still clutching his wing. Grimacing in pain, he chooses not to meet Optimus’s optics. “I can’t leave the Decepticons.” Starscream growls while leaning heavily on the tree again.

Optimus continues to look at Starscream, but doesn’t say anything, expecting the seeker to provide more of an answer. A few moments pass, but they feel like centuries. Starscream keeps his mouth shut, continuing to stare at the ground in the hopes that a sinkhole might suddenly appear and put an end to this conversation for him. Finally deciding to bite the bullet, Optimus softly asks,

“Can’t? ...or won’t?”

Prompted to give more of an answer, Starscream sighs before looking up and saying, “Optimus, please understand that I am in a very _delicate_ position at the moment.”

Optimus’s brow furrows as he frowns at Starscream’s response, “Is this because you don’t want to lose your position as second in command? You would continue to be Megatron's personal punching bag for it?” Optimus asks.

Starscream gives a small groan of frustration and starts to pace back and forth in front of Optimus. “No, I- …you’re not listening to me!”

Optimus fires back, almost frustrated, “I’m trying to, Star!”

Starscream pauses and looks up at the sky as if to ask for Primus to give him strength. “There is still so much I have to do and I can’t just _leave_. Not yet at least,” Starscream says.

Optimus leans forward, trying to meet his optics, and urges him to continue, “What is that supposed to mea-“

Starscream interrupts him before he can finish, “and even if I truly wanted to leave, I would be hunted down and _killed_. Megatron doesn’t take well to traitors, and he already despises my entire existence. Once you become a Decepticon, you _stay_ a Decepticon until your spark extinguishes.”

Optimus rises to his pedes, and slowly approaches Starscream before embracing him gently. Starscream shutters his optics and draws in a slow intake before returning the hug.

Burying his head in Optimus’s neck, Starscream lets out a quiet sob before schooling his expression once more. 

Optimus cradles his helm in his servos and whispers, “We can figure this out Star, I know we can-“

Starscream’s face morphs into one of disbelief at Optimus’s words “Oh? You think that vorns of hatred are going to just instantly go away because I’m your lover?”

Optimus startles backward at Starscream’s words before replying, “That’s not what I-“

Starscream, undeterred, continues on, “Do you think they’ll easily forgive me for what I’ve done? For aiding Megatron and committing countless atrocities for the Decepticon cause?”

Starscream laughs bitterly, crossing his arms and hip cocked to the side while he snarls, “I have energon on my servos and it will _never_ wash away. The energon of _your_ fellow Autobots. _This_ is the burden I have to bear, having these sins and ghosts following me where ever I go!”

Optimus pauses after hearing those words not knowing how to react.

“Nothing you say or do will ever make it go away.” Starscream finally spits out.

Optimus opens and closes his mouth but no words come out. Finally, he takes a deep breath and softly says, “That’s it? You’re still going back to the Decepticons, then?”

Starscream's expression softens slightly, “You can’t protect me Optimus. You’re glitched to think otherwise,” he replied as he turned away from Optimus.

Fear and hurt were all that Optimus could feel at Starscream's words. Everything felt so wrong, and he couldn’t understand why Starscream was so adamant about remaining with a faction that didn’t care about him, that had lost all semblance of what they were even fighting for ages ago.

All he wanted was to protect him, to hold him in his servos at night, and to not have any more secrets. If only Starscream could see that it wasn’t impossible, and that he could have a place with the Autobots.

Not being one to give up, Optimus tried one last time to reach out to Starscream, he murmured, “You could at least try. You’ll never know unless you give this… us… a chance. I swear to Primus that I will do everything in my power to protect you.”

Starscream stilled at what he just said as if those words caused him physical pain. Spinning around he barked out a laugh at Optimus's words and slowly, limping, stalked towards him.

“Oh?...oh, really?” Starscream, optics narrowed, whispered so softly Optimus had to strain to listen. As Starscream took measured steps towards Optimus, the bigger mech slowly started to back away.

“Like you protected Cybertron? Your home?” Starscream asks as his voice slowly increases in volume. Optimus’s face darkens slightly at the mention of Cybertron, but remains silent as he continues on.

“Like you protected Bumblebee?” Starscream’s tone drips with bitterness as he backs Optimus up against a tree.

“Starscream…” Optimus’s voice was no more than a low growl when Bumblebee was brought up. Starscream knew he was walking a thin line and didn’t care at that moment, not when Optimus continued to remain so blind. One last push, and Starscream was inches away from Optimus’s face before he lost his composure completely. Everything went red for him, fear shot through him like lightning, and all he could think about was running. That was the only thing that he knew how to do, but now he was cornered. With Optimus there, asking him to make a choice that he couldn’t possibly make, Starscream was trapped.

What does a frightened animal do when trapped in a tight corner? They bite and claw until they’re set free. So that’s what Starscream did. He didn’t think before he lashed out one more time with a killing blow.

“Like you protected Cliffjumper?” Starscream shrieked, lips pulled back into a full-on snarl as he stared up at Optimus with hard, angry, _fearful_ optics.

Everything became quiet. It was as if the world became still and mother nature was holding her breath to see who would break first. Starscream felt like he was falling again. Like everything was crumbling in his hands after saying those words. Panic welled up inside of him and gathered in his intake as it became hard for him to focus. All thoughts of running, all feelings of being cornered were gone. All he could think now was that he messed up, and what the _fuck_ did he just do.

He wanted this to be a dream, a truly terrible dream, but a dream nonetheless. Starscream desperately wished that he could take those words back, but he couldn’t. He dug his grave and now he must lay in it. There was no way to go back from this.

Starscream stumbled backward after realizing what he just said. He kept his optics, now blown wide with shock over his own actions, locked with Optimus’s. He felt like he didn’t have the choice of looking away at that moment.

Optimus’s face became unreadable, and his eyes slowly widened after hearing those words, before becoming blank and emotionless. Starscream scrambled to try to get his bearings while babbling out what sounded like apologies.

“O-Optimus wait I-I’m… I didn’t mean to… p-please just listen to m-“ was all he could utter in that moment. As Starscream tried to backtrack what he had just said, Optimus began to slowly back away from him.

A sudden distress call startles Optimus, and he presses his finger to his comm. “Optimus! We need backup and we need it fast. Bulkhead sustained a good amount of damage and I don’t have the supplies to patch him up here!” Ratchet yells over the bickering in the background.

With his team in need, Optimus decides that there are bigger things to worry about right now. Without looking away from Starscream, he replies.

“Ratchet, I’m on my way…we’re done here”.

He takes a deep, heavy intake before saying, “Autobots… roll out.”

Starscream's eyes somehow manage to get even wider, as he watches Optimus transform without another word and proceed to drive away.

“No! Optimus, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-“ was all Starscream could croak out before taking a shaky step forward and collapsing.

“ _It’s over,_ ” is all Starscream could think and hear after Optimus’s departure, as he softly sobbed to himself. Devastated. He was devastated, and _angry_ \- angry at Optimus, though he knew he had no right to be, angry at Megatron and his _stupid_ plans and his _stupid_ lost cause, but mostly he was angry at himself. He had crossed a line, in fact, he had pranced over it, and spat on it for good measure. And he didn’t know how to make things right again, or if he even could.

“ _Starscream_ , where are you? We’re leaving this wretched place with or without you in 30 kliks!” Megatron growled through his comm, interrupting his turmoil.

Shuttering his optics, Starscream stumbled back up to his pedes before telling Megatron that he’ll be there in ten kliks. Limping away, all Starscream could do was whisper “I’m sorry” to himself over and over again while he wiped away stray tears.

In the heat of the moment and Starscream’s lapse of judgement, he didn’t realize that he wasn’t alone with Optimus and that there was another pair of eyes on him.

Emerging from the shadows, Knockout leaned against the tree that Starscream was using for support just moments prior.

“Oh my… looks like the honeymoon period is over… this will be quite interesting, hm?” Knockout quietly says to himself. Grinning, Knockout looks at Starscream’s retreating figure and smirks slightly, though his optics are shining with pity.

“And just when I thought things were getting dull… you never cease to amaze me Starscream,” Knockout purrs before cackling and slowly making his own way back to the Decepticon base. Little did they realize that this was only the beginning, and Megatron will not be left in the dark for long.

No amount of lies or begging can save Starscream from Megatron’s wrath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my roommate and i are shameless and decided to collab on a starop fanfiction. this was the final thing that made us roommates for life. she hates me and i dont blame her.  
> (she says that she doesnt care about this ship but i beg to differ)  
> (she also thinks that this isnt a fanfiction.)  
> (its "a dialogue between two fictional characters".)  
> (sure, jan.)


	2. Open Minds, Heavier Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, what was he thinking? Starscream??
> 
> Ratchet took a deep breath and brought his finger to the direct comm link to Optimus, closing his eyes, he said with slight hesitation in his voice, “Optimus, report to the med bay immediately, we have a situation on our hands and need your assistance.”

There was only so much that Ratchet could handle. As the resident medic, he was used to being pulled in ten different directions at a time. From the children who couldn’t seem to stop themselves from constantly fiddling with his medical supplies, to Wheeljack and Bulkhead frequently getting into “friendly” sparring matches, to Bumblebee and Smokescreen getting into whatever impulsive thing found Smokescreen in the medbay for the fourth time that astro-cycle. Ratchet knew his limits, and he realized that this was going to push him past his breaking point.

Optimus hasn’t been the same since the mine incident. What’s worse, is everyone could tell. Although no one pressed Optimus for answers, the entire team felt off balance and it showed. The tension was palpable, and a veil of uncertainty had shrouded the entire base.

Ratchet had been too after their battle to talk to Optimus about what he saw… about what he knew. With Bulkhead in critical condition, there wasn’t much time to be discussing his friend’s love life…especially when that love life involved none other than the Decepticon second in command. It seemed that everyone’s eyes were on him though, after all, everyone else felt too awkward broaching the topic of _feelings_ with _Optimus Prime_. That, and he’s known Optimus the longest, they were close even before the convoy was a Prime, so the job fell to him. It was his job to figure out what had apparently struck a chord within the seemingly untouchable Optimus Prime.

Ratchet would be lying if he said that he wasn’t putting this entire conversation off for the past few cycles. He didn’t know what to expect when he would talk to Optimus, and he was a little uneasy about what he would learn.

In the end though, Ratchet knew he couldn’t put this off any longer. Even though it pained him to do it, it was time to sit Optimus down and let him talk. And give him a good talking to as well.

Honestly, what was he _thinking_? _Starscream_??

Ratchet took a deep breath and brought his finger to the direct comm link to Optimus, closing his eyes, he said with slight hesitation in his voice, “Optimus, report to the med bay immediately, we have a situation on our hands and need your assistance.”

_____________________

All Optimus could do was replay the entire spat in his processor like a broken record. What did he do wrong? Why couldn’t Starscream see his point of view? Why did Starscream suddenly get so _upset_? Was it something he said?

Optimus wasn’t sure what to do after Starscream had blown up at him. What he had said about Cybertron and Bumblebee stung, but what he said about Cliffjumper _hurt_.

Not only did it hurt with the knowledge of how Cliffjumper had died, by _whos_ servos had pierced his chassis, but it because Starscream _knew_ it would, and he said it anyway. This wasn’t said by mistake, it was said with malicious intent, and it was _meant_ to _hurt_.

Optimus was uneasy. The entire fight dredged up memories of Starscream from before he had become Optimus’s lover. The Starscream who was cold and sadistic, who didn’t know yet what it was like to feel actually loved by someone. The Starscream who turned his servos into weapons because he had been taught that was their purpose. The Starscream who killed one of his soldiers, one of his friends, because he felt like he had no other choice. That was the Starscream who didn’t realize he was more than just a simple pawn in Megatron’s game, that he was capable of being so much more.

If he had just taken Optimus’s servo, then it would all be so much more simple. While Optimus’s thoughts did flicker back to the old Starscream, they were overpowered by the thoughts of _his_ Starscream. The Starscream who could look past his “Prime” title, and made him feel like “Orion” again, effortlessly lifting the weight of leadership from his shoulders, even for just a short while. The Starscream that couldn’t resist telling him that his jokes were horrible, but couldn’t hide that they had made him laugh. The Starscream who preened Optimus’s armor, grumbling that he should take better care of himself, while his sharp claws carefully dug dirt out of the seams of his chassis that he couldn’t hope to reach with his own blunt servos. The Starscream who used his sharp servos in such a gentle, soft manner. The Starscream who had been through hell, and given hell back in return, but who’s optics still shone brighter than any Optimus had ever seen.

When Optimus would shutter his optics, he would imagine living a life where he could feel free, relieved of the heavy burden of leading the Auotbots. In this imagination, the one who he envisioned by his side is Starscream.

All of these feelings, these swirling emotions, made Optimus want to scream. But a leader could never lose their composure. A leader must be strong for the rest of his team, be a beacon of hope and inspiration to all.

Optimus wished Starscream were there now to allow him that moment of weakness. To cover him while he took the time to feel fully, in the presence of someone who expected nothing more.

But Starscream wasn’t there right now, and perhaps that was for the best, considering how they parted.

That thought just made him feel worse.

The sudden incoming call from Ratchet startled Optimus when it went off. He froze for a second before allowing to call to come through. Upon Ratchet’s call for assistance, all thoughts of Starscream temporarily went out the window. He immediately switched into team leader mode, his already heightened anxiety causing him to fear the worst, and hurried down the hall to the med bay.

As Optimus skidded to a halt in front of the med bay’s entrance, he failed to realize that everything was dead silent. Bursting through the doorway, Optimus looked around almost frantically, only to see that the lights were off and the room looked empty. Confused, he was ready to comm Ratchet for his position, when the lights flickered to life, the door sealed shut behind him, and a gruff voice caught his attention.

“Going somewhere Optimus?” Ratchet asked. Ratchet reclined in his office chair as he gestured expectantly for Optimus to take a seat in the chair next to him.

Optimus tilted his head to the side, slightly confused at everything that was happening, while Ratchet waited patiently for Optimus to connect the dots.

Inching slightly closer to Ratchet but not sitting down, Optimus tentatively asked “Ratchet, old friend…What is the meaning of this? Why did you say there was an emergency?”

Taking a deep breath, Ratchet looked at Optimus with an unreadable gaze and continued, “We need to talk Optimus… now please sit down.”

Feeling the unease in his tanks become more pronounced, Optimus took a step back from Ratchet and asked, voice as low as it could get while still allowing Ratchet to hear him, “What’s this all about Ratchet…?”

Ratchet looked irritated at the questions Optimus was asking, because he knew that Optimus had already figured it out, if his suddenly, and increasingly nervous behavior was anything to go by. He decided to play along anyways.

“I believe you already know what this is about so, Orion. Sit. Down. Now,” Ratchet said in such a way that brokered no room for argument. Pausing at the mention of his other name, Optimus knew with a sinking feeling that Ratchet was going to have his way with this matter whether he liked it or not.

No amount of power or prestige would intimidate Ratchet. He would always do what he thought was best, even if it meant facing the consequences. This was a trait that had always inspired Optimus, and was one of many reasons he was so fond of his old friend…But now that admirable trait was biting him in the aft, and he knew he had to listen, or else Ratchet would persist. He might’ve hated that trait just a little bit. Sometimes.

“Don’t even think about running. I sealed the med bay so no one can get in or out until we are done here,” Ratchet warned, as if he could read Optimus’s thoughts.

Finally succumbing to Ratchet’s request, Optimus sank down heavily in the chair next to Ratchet’s, wound tight with tension, and prepared himself for the worst.

“Ratchet, this isn’t any of your business-” Optimus tried to explain.

Holding up his hand to stop Optimus from saying anymore, Ratchet barked out short laugh before bluntly saying, “It became my business when it started to affect our team.”

He opened his mouth to defend himself, but a single withering stare silenced anything that Optimus was going to say as Ratchet continued on.

“You haven’t been yourself since the skirmish at the mine, and everyone can tell,” Ratchet clasped his hands together and looked up at the ceiling as if asking Primus to give him strength, before he proceeded without hesitation, “Optimus you are many things. A great leader, friend, soldier, and mech. But, Primus, try as you might, you’re slag at concealing your emotions sometimes. In all of my stellar cycles of knowing you, you have always worn a little bit of your spark on your sleeve.”

Eyes narrowing suspiciously at this statement, Optimus slowly started to ask, “What are you trying to say…?”

Ratchet looked at him once again, optics unreadable, and said in a flat tone of voice, “ I know about you and Starscream.”

Despite Optimus already knowing that Ratchet had figured this out, fear ran down his spinal strut anyways, as the medic acknowledged his secret relationship with Starscream. He had prepared himself to tell his team one day, but to have his closest friend confront him with biggest secret…perhaps he was not as prepared as he had believed himself to be.

Optimus attempted to defend himself by beginning with “I figured when you-“ but Ratchet cut him off quickly.

“I decided not to say anything until we got back to the base, but as you can see I’ve been quite busy patching everyone up.” A small sigh escaped Ratchet before he started up again, “But everything has settled down for now…save for one thing. We have to talk about this situation between you and Starscream.”

Panic started to rise in the back of Optimus’s intake as he imagined the multiple ways this conversation could go, how it could end, and what’s going to happen when the rest of his team finds out. Clearing his intake, Ratchet brought Optimus back down from his inner turmoil by surprising him, saying, “I’m not going to talk to any of the others about this.”

Shaken to his very core by this declaration from Ratchet, all Optimus could do was dumbly ask, “What?”

“This isn’t something that needs to be known… not now at least. Everyone is on edge, and they know you’re not doing well. It would be devastating to find out their leader has been fragging a Decepticon,” Ratchet explains.

At that statement Optimus leaned forward, optics narrowed into fine slits and growled, “Watch what you say Ratchet, he isn’t just someone I’m interfacing with from time to time, he’s much more than that.” 

Looking irritated, Ratchet replied, “That isn’t the point Optimus, just listen to what I’m trying to say.”

After a moment of silence, Optimus gave a curt nod before slowly reclining back again.

Putting a hand on Optimus’s shoulder, Ratchet tiredly continued, “Everyone looks up to you Optimus. And we _must_ win this war. To protect our friends, our family… for the kids and for our own, that is our first priority.”

Ratchet removes his hand from his should only to slump in his chair even further. “So, we wait. Until everything settles at least.”

Optimus felt overwhelmed by this response, not knowing what to say, or even feel, in that moment. “I-“ Optimus started, until Ratchet shushed him with a finger.

“I have _no_ idea what made you fall for Starscream, but…as much as I hate to say it… I will try to support you to the best of my ability. No matter what, I will always be by your side. That’s a promise that I’ll always keep with me.”

As he smiled weakly, all Optimus could do was softly laugh before saying, “ Hah… after all this time, you still remember that promise. Even though we made that stellar cycles ago… you know I feel the same way.”

Ratchet gave a small bob of his head before he grunted out, “Enough with this sappy scrap. I brought you in here to fix a problem, so let’s get to the root of it already.”

This was the moment that Optimus was dreading, but he knew that this was the only way to heal the wound that had been festering for cycles now. Shuttering his optics, he went into detail about everything that transpired in the forest on that fateful day.

After what felt like forever, Optimus leaned back in his chair with a shaky sigh of relief at finally telling someone about what happened. Ratchet’s face was unreadable. Noticing this, the tension is in frame returned, and Optimus began to feel that pit of unease that had settled in his tanks rise up again.

“Dear Primus, you are both idiots,” was all Ratchet could say at that moment.

Frowning in confusion, Optimus questioned him, “What is that supposed to mean?”

Ratchet sighed and proceeded to explain, “This pains me to say this, but…I understand where Starscream is coming from.”

Scoffing, Optimus almost thought his audials had glitched. “You? Defending Starscream? Are you on synthetic energon again?”

Silencing Optimus with a dirty glare, Ratchet starts up again, “Listen to me, Optimus, for Primus sake, and if one more word comes out of that intake of yours, I swear I’ll duct tape it shut. Do you understand?”

All Optimus could do was nod mutely, and patiently wait for Ratchet to carry on with what he was saying.

“Good bot.” Ratchet says, then mutters under his breath, “Starscream was right, you can be a terrible listener at times.”

Narrowing his eyes at the statement, it took a significant amount of will power to keep quiet.

Meeting his eyes, Ratchet picked up where they left off, “Optimus, You didn’t give Starscream much of a choice when you were discussing the option of leaving the Decepticons. As hard as it is to believe, he _is_ in a delicate situation, and he can’t just get up and leave.”

As Optimus continued to struggle with staying quiet, visibly looking ready to launch into a tirade explaining himself again, Ratchet ignored the mech’s growing frustration and continued on.

“The Decepticons have been part of his life since the beginning of its formation. It would be a huge deal for him to leave. To abandon everything you know, and everything you’ve fought for, regardless if it was right or not, isn’t a decision you can make lightly. You pressured Starscream to make the choice when he wasn’t ready, and there wasn’t much of a choice to begin with. You think you know what’s best for him, so you pressed on, and put your wants and needs before his. No wonder he got scared and angry. You’re the one mech who hasn’t been a source of pressure in his life…I’m not surprised he lashed out when you started to be.”

Optics wide with shock, Optimus couldn’t believe what Ratchet was saying. To have him utter these words didn’t feel real. And still couldn’t understand.

“Even if he’s been mistreated, this is his choice to make. You can’t make that decision for him, Optimus, no matter how much it pains you. I know how much you care, and I know how devastating it must feel to watch him continually go back to Megatron, to watch him hurt himself like this,” Ratchet added.

He paused for a moment, studying Optimus’s face, still awash with confusion and…pain, before carrying on. “You don’t know what’s going on inside his head. You’re suffocating him by continuously pushing him to make a big decision when he isn’t ready. It hurts, but that’s what makes any relationship difficult… seeing a loved one hurt themselves and there isn’t anything you can do about it. Not until _they_ are ready to do something about it.”

Eyes downcast, Optimus knew that everything he said was true. Mustering up the courage, but already knowing the answer, Optimus whispered, “...What am I supposed to do then?”

Putting a hand on his leg and trying to meet his optics, Ratchet gave him a look of sympathy.

“All you can do is be there for him. Encourage him to do the right thing, and to do what’s best for himself, but you can’t force him to do what you want Optimus. Don’t you think he’s had enough of that?”

With a heavy sigh, Ratchet stared at Optimus with optics that looked like they had seen everything, and even things beyond that.

Ratchet looked down at his servos, opening and closing them, inspecting them closely as he carefully chose what to say next.

Finally, after what felt like hours, Ratchet glanced back upwards to meet Optimus’s optics yet again.

“I’ve… I’ve seen so many stubborn fools who continue down dangerous paths, even when they have been given every warning. I’ve watched them crash and burn…some of them I could still save, but others… I understand where you’re coming from Optimus, really, I do… but I also understand Starscream’s predicament,” Ratchet murmured.

Optimus huffed with annoyance, now feeling more assurance in his own opinion well up, “I don’t understand where you’re going with this Ratchet. You’re not making Starscream’s case any better.”

Optics flashing with anger, Ratchet replied snappily, “I’ve had a similar experience.”

Head tilting in confusion, Optimus asked “ What do you mean?...” 

Ratchet stood up abruptly, wringing his hands together as he explained to Optimus in a strained voice, “Starscream lashed out in fear and anger because you weren’t giving him a choice. He felt trapped, Optimus. I felt the exact same way when I had no choice but to be part of this war.”

Optimus stilled at those words, not knowing that this was how Ratchet truly felt. Sure, no one has been happy with the war, but mechs will readily fight for a cause they believe in. Ratchet didn’t choose this life. He may have believed in the cause, but he was never supposed to be a warrior. Cybertron was destroyed, and he was called upon to join it.

“Do you think Bulkhead wanted to be part of this? _Bumblebee_? Hell, any one of our family? To have no choice, and being forced to play these parts whether we like it or not? They might not say anything Optimus, but I can guarantee that we all have felt similar emotions that Starscream had at that moment. We just hide it better than others it seems.”

“So yes, I do understand how Starscream feels.” Ratchet said angrily, chest heaving from his long-winded, emotional explanation.

Turning abruptly away from Optimus, Ratchet took a few moments to gather himself before slumping back down in his chair, and reaching over to grab Optimus’s hands.

Pressing on Ratchet said, “You can give Starscream something that we were never able to have… the freedom to be able to choose. You can be there for him, make him feel wanted… make him feel like he’s in control for once in his life.”

Optimus’s face took on a pained expression after hearing Ratchet’s words before saying, voice wavering, “I just don’t completely understand… I don’t know if I ever will.”

Ratchet furrowed his brows and replied, “I know how you must feel. But if you really, truly love him, then you will _have to_ understand. For him, and for the both of you… just trying to be there for him is all you can do.”

Think about it. Think about it long and hard before you do something you’ll regret.”

Sensing this was the end of the conversation, Optimus took a deep intake, a moment to build up some courage, and tentatively asked, “So… you’re alright with me being with Starscream?”

Ratchet’s eyes narrowed at the question, and he simply said, “No.”

Surprised by this, given Ratchet’s defense of Starscream’s position and genuine relationship advice, Optimus decided to question Ratchet further, “But you said-“

Pointing a finger at his face, Ratchet glared at Optimus and said icily, “Make no mistake, Optimus. Just because I understand Starscream’s perspective on this matter, does not mean I forgive him for what he has done.”

Before Optimus could say anything, Ratchet ignored his upcoming protest, and continued before he had the chance, “What he said was horrible, and in my optics, unforgiveable. He is an insufferable aftport who supported Megatron, and was right there with him when he ripped out Bumblebee’s voice box. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t think twice about returning the favor on the screechy glitch, nor would I stop any of the others from giving Starscream what he deserves.”

Optimus hardly has time to tamp down his building anger over Ratchet’s words and his argument in defense of the changed seeker, because, without missing a beat, Ratchet adds, “My promise to you is the only thing that’s “pardoning” Starscream at this moment. That, and my faith that you have at least half a functioning processor in that helm of yours. However, I must warn you, Optimus, that if Starscream tries to stab us in the back, or does something even remotely suspicious, then I would not hesitate to take. Him. _Down_.”

Ratchet hissed the last part through clenched dente. Just as Optimus thinks he’s out of the woods, Ratchet adds one more thing, “Primus forgive me for siding with him again, but he’s also right about one other thing, that is… he won’t be accepted here with open arms. It won’t be easy for him. Everyone hates him, myself included. Even your position as our leader won’t stop some of them from making his life _difficult_.”

He paused for a moment, breathing deeply, before adding, “You may have had time to get to know a different side of him…but the rest of us have only ever been on the receiving end of his missile or his cruel glossa. We can _try,_ for you, and because we trust your judgement, but it’s going to take time to forgive all that, Optimus. And I can’t guarantee that all of us will.”

Optimus looked at him with sorrowful optics while saying, pleadingly, “If you just give him time, you’ll see that he’s different, and he has so much potential.”

Scoffing at his words, Ratchet starts to sort the medical supplies on his desk, needing to do something with his servos to relieve the stress caused by this discussion, “I’ll believe it when I see it. Think about what we just talked about, and choose your words carefully…not just to Starscream, but to the rest of our family.” He turned away from Optimus fully, choosing instead to focus on his own hands again.

Realizing that this was Ratchet’s way of saying, “you can go now,” Optimus had one last thing to say.

“I will take everything you have said to heart, old friend… thank you, Ratchet.”

The med bot didn’t bother to reply, and instead waved his servo in dismissal, and pushed the button to open the med bay doors again. Knowing that the “Starscream situation” was far from over, Optimus quickly exited the med bay with a more open processor, but a somehow heavier spark.

Optimus knew he would see Starscream again. All he could do was wait, and hope that it was soon. Hope that his love would return to his arms so that he could apologize. And hope that those red optics glowed with the usual mirth he found now, instead of that old fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE DID IT BOIS WE GOT ANOTHER CHAPTER!  
> (i was able to convince my roommate to write more)
> 
> update: she hates me even more now
> 
> new update: this is gonna be a 6 parter so hold onto your pants cause thisll be a wild ride
> 
> (raise a glass to my roommate, she is slowly becoming one of us)


End file.
